So with my hospital bag packed (because, well I never know) and the home birth kit from my midwife in the house (again, well I thought if I changed my mind in the moment, I want to be prepared), I felt ready. I got to that moment where it's like, I've done all I could ever possibly do to prepare myself and now all that is left to do is let it all go, open my mind to what will happen and then just prepare to dance with God/Life in the moment. I was entering into the unknown territory now and frankly you can never know what will come or what will happen. What was left to do was surrender it all, know that I have done my best and then just run the race the best I can. Whether I win gold or silver or bronze or none is no longer in my hands. The part that I could control was to give my best and get ready, the result is out of my hands. But from now on ,whatever happens, I knew there cannot be any regrets. The regret only will come from knowing that I could have done more. I remember my hubby doula reminding me of this when I was panicking that baby may be breech and I just "cant' do it" and he said, well baby, don't just give up now, we just need to make sure we try our best and then see what happens. Let's not give up now and then live with what would have happened if we just tried. So my prayer at this point was now, I've done absolutely everything I can my Lord, my Goddess....now it's Your turn. Show me.
I was up for something else in this pregnancy and felt, what if I did nothing? What if I just wait? If the great Ina May says women can give birth in their sleep in her book Guide to childbirth, how much of me and my doing is really needed here? I must say I originally studied as a scientist so here, with my own body was a great opportunity. I wanted to see..I wanted to test everything I had read. Is it true? Are they all true? Well, I was about to find out.
So I sat back into my bubble of breath and refused to do anything with the cloud of options and excitement hovering around me. Instead, I carried on my practise, did some colouring of the birth affirmations, slept a lot (when I could), peed a lot, let my husband massage me, baked and with patience generally just carried on doing what I do everyday and nothing more.