Ok here we go!
At this stage, we are back from our travels to France, my iron levels are beginning to creep up and I’m feeling much better for it. I'm riding high on the feel good hormones, making my daily prayers, colouring in my hand drawn yantras, and I made the commitment to read things and keep company that keep my energy high. If anything at all was bothering me, I talked to my hubby about it. And I mean anything...this was my cry cry baby stage. I just let the tears flow when they needed and I did not hold back. So after wailing that my chosen doula wasn't gonna be at my birth, my hubby stepped up for the job. He says, "I'll be your doula, baby". Train me, teach me and I'll be there for you. Well with that look in his eye, I wasn't going to say, no. I had my doubts obviously because I had memories from Luna's birth when it all went to pots. We were a bit delusional and went in without any preparation. But now he was backing up his words with action. What do I need to read, what do I need to know, what do I need to do? So we got to work. I trained him just as I was, shared all I knew with him and all the work and passed onto to him the articles I read (and he asked ALOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT EACH ONE!! It was exhausting...he was keen and it was sweet...but exhausting nonetheless!)
Anyways, I read this article about the importance of low lights during labour. Something I already knew and which people often forget and take for granted but reading it was at least something to pass onto hubby. Another was this exquisitely written article by a midwife as she say’s “I learn at the feet of the birthing women I attend”! where she explains (in detail) the holistic stages of birth. Oooo I LOVED this article. It is everything you need to know in one beautiful hit. It was amazing and I remember feeling so yummy and empowered and ready to go after reading it. So again, I passed it onto hubby.
Now along with my hubs, was going to be two more friends of mine to attend me in labour. None of them ended making it because it just didn't work out in the end. And again when I was wondering if this was the right thing to do, my super doula hubby says, we'll be ok. I don't need any help. We'll be ok baby. Again with that twinkle in his eyes...how could I argue?
So now I understand all the women that go all wide-eyed when I say, “just tell them to bugger off”, “tell them you don't want them there if they can't support you”. I get it. I feel you. The universe may try to do some of the work for us but if it doesn't, we have to somehow do it for ourselves. And guess what? Even though we feel all soft and vulnerable, it makes us stronger for it because really and truly, having someone there to support you without judgement really means at least you start off on the right foot without having anyone else's feelings hanging over your head. Trust me.
So at the end it of it all, I had my doula husband and he was all I could ever ask for and SO much more.
So I did have a mother blessing ceremony, known as a blessingway by the native American Navajo people (look here for more info if you don't know what it is). It turned out to be less of a ceremony of celebration and more of an attack on me by my "friends" on the choices I made about my birth. Now going back down memory lane, I remember dressing up for this event on the day and felt a kick in my belly…like butterflies of not wanting to go. And I remember thinking, oh don’t be silly, it’s going to be great! I arrived and the room was indeed beautiful and I felt, ahhhh relax Ijay, seeee it’s all ok. And then when “things” started to unfold, it was like “oooh so that’s what that feeling was!
To cut a long boring story short, some women (including the ones that organized the freaking event) arrived with their own prejudice about what they thought they knew about me and basically it was just an awkward and non-celebratory event. It's was like going to someone's birthday party or even organizing the party and then when everyone is here and ready to celebrate, you're like hold on a minute, I don't even know why I am here, I don't really get along with you and you drain my energy, also why are you so set on this kind of birth? You need to be more open. Maybe your ego is in the way and then sprinkle it with some spiritual words like love and light and ego and boom! they were good to go!. Which when we take out all the spiritual crap, basically meant,
- Ijay why the hell do you trust yourself and Life so much?
- You need to put your trust in something outside of yourself eg a good old hospital because women think they know themselves and can feel things but they don’t.
- Don’t be so stupid to think Life is on your side, you're just being stubborn
- Don’t trust yourself!!!
I felt I could have said a whole lot more, like "FUCK YOU ALL!! PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE AND TAKE ALL YOUR YOGIC SHITE WITH YOU!! But I didn't. I'm mad at myself that I didn't but proud at least I did state quite clearly what I wanted in the moment and stood up for myself.
That night after I talked to one of my mediterranean sister staying with us that time who calmed my heart with soothing words and reminder to stay with what I want and not be swayed by fears thrown at me. Then I sobbed even more to my hubby who said, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from that baby, I thought you were going to have a great day and I just didn't see it coming" (I know,..... so so sweet!). Even though it hurt, I had to leave it behind because remember I was focusing on keeping my energy high and I just didn't want to be dragged down by other women's fears and issues with trusting their bodies. I needed to leave it all, refocus and carry on. At the end of this day, it dawned on my that I'ld been hankering onto the idea that I needed to be surrounded and supported by women when all this time the only one that never doubted or questioned me was my hubby. It became clear that I actually had all I needed first in myself and then in my husband as the guardian of my space. I needed nothing else.
Make it yummy, delicious, cozy, fun, down to earth and fill your 'cup' with supportive energy. And just so you know, I facilitate these ceremonies too so if you are pregnant and you want in on it, read about what I offer here and let me know how I can serve you.
Just writing this and putting myself back there and feeling, gosh that was a shitty shitty day! Sometimes women can be quite awful and insensitive to other women. How can one’s head go so far up ones ass that one loses the sensitivity to relax, be down to earth and feel other people on their time of need ? ***shivers*** awful indeed!
Next time: clearing out the room from the negativity of the motherblessing ceremony, creating a new birthing space, what did I put up?, where did I get my pool from? Did I have music? Candels? Then boom! I get the news....your baby may,..... just may be breech! What? Arrrrggghhhh
Till next time...