My choice was to sit back and just wait for whenever my body chooses to birth my baby. My question was, what if I do nothing? Does a flower need to do eat more spice and walk more so it can bloom? Do you mean to tell me that that same energy that opens the flower, beats my heart, and grows my baby, now needs me to help ‘it’ birth my baby? Call it stubbornness but I was sitting tight on this one. I was going to wait and see.
Now don't get me wrong, this does not mean that the excitement died down just because I made my mind up.....oooooh no! It was all over me and the hardest thing was to stay put, stand firm, be excited but not let the excitement eat me up.
I know for sure that what sabotaged the birth of my first born was this energy of excitement. I remember when I was in latent phase of labour, I quickly got excited, started making a fuss that I was in labour, and even though I stayed home for a few days before I went to the birth centre...all the time at home was spent flapping about. Which I have no doubt made the pain even more intense than it should be. Yes! You can literally make yourself feel more pain than necessary just to prove you are in labour. We have this power! Ain’t it awesome?! And on the flip side of this...if you relax when labour starts and just reduce the flapping...you can equally reduce the intense feelings of labour which will in turn means you ‘last’ longer because you've told your mind to chill out....nothing to ‘see’ here.
I remember because of my excitement asking for people to shove their hands into my vagina and tell me how dilated I was because I wanted to see how ‘well’ my body was doing. And when it wasn't complying (obviously! because when you watch someone on the loo...the poo ain't gonna come!) I was disappointed. And feeling disappointment? Equaled saying bye bye to my oxytocin production.
Part of my psychological preparation was about writing affirmations or stories about exactly how I wanted the birth to be. A practice I learned from this book, which was a rather challenging exercise. All the fibers in my body would twitch and scratch in the beginning when I started to make my desires known. It’s funny isn’t it? What we really want can sometimes be the hardest thing to admit. We (I talking most especially during pregnancy here) tend to quickly settle for plan B and brushing over plan A.
For example, if anyone was ever training for the Olympics and says, I’m going for gold and I’m going to give it all I’ve got. Noone ever say, “ooh mate, that's good but best settle for silver or even bronze...actually you just never know so don't put your hopes up for gold”. No no one says that. Almost everyone will cheer you on with your endeavor and tell you it's hard work so you best be training hard and give it all you’ve got.
But for some reason in birth, if a woman says, I really want this, this and this....people start with all the advice in the world about how the woman should really be planning for plan B and C and that they need to not to set with their hearts on gold. I almost guarantee that 90% of the people will freely give out this "amazing" advice. I was actually telling myself the same thing...even with all my preparations. It's a fucked up curse on women's psyche I tell ya.
So I say.....give it 100%. Whatever birth you want. Don't spend all your valuable energy on what ifs? And plan B’s!! Why? well because...you need to set your intention straight. Shout to life about what you're about.....if plan B happens then you know at least you gave plan A everything! and not 50% of your energy. It seems for us pregnant women, stating exactly what we want, claiming and preparing for just that has become ludicrous...why is this? And this way of thinking works so well because when I ask most women what they want for their birth, some seem ashamed to state their wishes. Once they brush over what they want as quickly as possible, they then go on to elaborate on plan B and C...and I’m like, tell me more about plan A mama. Tell me, for Christ’s sake!
So my challenge to myself was this, if I can't imagine it and dream it ‘out loud’, how can it become my reality? How can it happen for me? Per chance? If I’m lucky? Well I’ll share a quote from Oprah and leave it at that " there is no such thing as luck. What people call luck, I call preparation meeting the moment of opportunity".
Anyways, carrying on, I was also listening to my mesmerizing ‘slow’ playlist with headphones every night to get in the zone. I never really go to the end of the playlist before I snoozed off so I let my subconscious listen to the rest of it. Some people call this hypnosis…I called it preparing my mind for ultimate relaxation during birth. Yep that’s right…relaxation during birth. Ooooh boy, I was ready and simmering.
At other times, me, hubby and my daughter would rock out to my dance playlist which made the contractions come on and off. A few times we danced through promodal labour and I would stop and start again, laughing and dancing through it all. And these days, I’ll go to bed and the intensities and pressure would be strong that I’d be groaning in bed. Thinking, is it now? Is it coming? And sometimes it'll last through the whole night and I'll be with my mantra, patience, patience, don't get excited. I'ld finally fall sleep, wake up in the morning as fresh as a daisy. Just one look at hubby and we'll burst out laughing. Another "false" alarm we'll think. Well actually, it's no false alarm. I like to think these are "preparing" the way. I remembered all too well about being too excited and naive for my first resulting in spending 5 days in agony when I could have been dancing, laughing, keeping my energy and oxytocin levels high. So PATIENCE! PATIENCE! Always Patience please!
- Herbs? Check,
- Towels? Check!
- Sccirssors? Check
- Box for placenta? Check
- Essential oils? check!
- Tealights? Check,
- Food for labour? Check
- Flowers? Check!,
- Pool? Check,
- Shower curtains? Check! (these were used to cover the floors and bed and surfaces to catch any leaks ). I also put some under my bed sheet on my mattress just incase my waters broke in my sleep. I didn't want be worrying about that during birth so better cover everything and then let it all hang out ;-) Also, I got them from Ikea for £1:50 each. Bargain!
- Hospital bag packed? Check! I did this at 39 weeks which was 2 weeks before baby’s birth. Too risky! As that was quite late, imagine if I decided to go to the hospital and then there were no bags, this would have thrown me. So if this happens again, I definitely pack it at 36 wks, why? Because you never know. Ijay, remember this!
- Birth notification forms, printed and enveloped to be filled by hubby and handed in within 36hrs of birth? Check!
All was in order.
So I'm colouring my birth artwork, paying attention to my Patience plaque, listening to my relaxing playlist, writing my imagined birth on my journal every night...and then the day approaches.
On the night of 9th of October, 2016...my belly rumbles, I sleep....my belly rumbles even more as if sounding the drum to alert me, I wake up at 5am on the 10th of October, 2016, the air literally tastes different, I need to pee. I wipe myself after and a line of mucus follows with the faintest show, I go back to bed...can't sleep because I am really excited now but trying to keep it calm. I play some games on my iPad to keep me occupied. My hubby doula wakes up at 6 and I say, I think baby is coming